I was adopted when I was really young. My Birth mother was only 16 and she had no way to support or take care of me. She put me up for adoption and signed away her rights willingly. My birth father on the other hand was 17 and had gone to jail. He refused to sign away his rights and eventually when I was almost a year old and he was still in jail, the courts terminated his parental rights. I was adopted by my family where both parents worked full time and I normally bounced back and forth from one grandparents house to another until they could come pick me up. My adoptive father took alot of convincing to ever spend time with me. He would have much rather been off with his hobbies then spend time with us. Once my sister was born, this just got worse. When I turned 19 my birth mother found me on facebook of all places. While I did my best to keep a distance from her, I could not help but wonder what happened to my birth father. About 6 months after my birth mother finding me, he found me as well. I guess it is not that hard once you have a first name and a birth date. Well the things I began to find out about him through a quick background check just discouraged me from ever wanting a relationship with him. He had been in and out of jail for armed robberies and other felonies and misdemeanors. Not someone who I wanted around me.
About two weeks after my birth father finding me I found out I was pregnant. Now I had a choice to make, keep the baby, or choose adoption. This just lead me to wondering why and how they ever could have given me up. After many discussions with both of them I decided to keep the baby. I ended all contact with my birth father having decided that contact with him was not only wrong for me but wrong for my child as well.
After my son was born I felt very alone. I was arguing my my then boyfriend. We were living in his parents house after having been kicked out by my adoptive parents when they found out I was pregnant. I was 20, with a 3 month old and no family. None of my friends knew what I was going through as they were off living it up in college. My boyfriends mom then suggested a moms group that ran out of her church.
For the first time I began to feel like I had people around to support me. three months later I was invited to a bible study, and there I was given a copy of the book they were studying, Lazarus Awakening by Joanna Weaver. Two days later I found out that my boyfriend had been sleeping with someone else before my baby was born. I was crushed. The next week at bible study I decided that only God could fulfill me. I kept trying to create a relationship with him and just kept struggling.
I had to many questions. I could not understand how or why he would want to be my father, why he would want to spend time with me, how he could ever hurt me. The book immediately made me realize why I had been having such a hard time connecting with God.
I want to share with you what I read that day, maybe some of this will reside with you.
"Neglectful father: This dad is far to busy (or just to selfish) to be concerned with you. He's got bigger, more important business to attend to than your insignificant needs. While he may be present in your life, he's largely unaccounted for. You have to take care of yourself.
But your true father says:'Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?' (Matthew 6:26)."
You see I was taking the relationship that I had with my adoptive father and seeing that as how my relationship with my father was going to be. I was believing in my own mind that God was to busy for me. That God had more important things to do then to attend to my insignificant needs.
I was not taking my problems to God I was not getting down on my knees and asking God for support. Because he is to busy and my problems are not significant enough for him to care about right? But that is not what God says at all. He says even the problems of birds are big enough for him to take care of.
You see God wants us to be able to come to him when we are having a hard time and when we are not. He wants us to feel loved and supported and important. So now I go to God first. I am able to get through the good and the bad with him by my side.
I appreciate everything God has put in my life. He takes care of every need we have. He is the perfect shoulder to cry on and the best person to laugh with. He is the only thing I need to fulfill me. Every last one of my needs, my feeling, my wants, and my dreams are more important to him than they are to anyone else in my life.
So what view of your earthly father are you passing to your view of our real Father?